i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
