the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
