Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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