By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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