I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
