They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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