if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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