I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
