Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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