The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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