you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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