Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
