Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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