im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
