I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize