Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Sponge bath it is.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
