my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
