No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize