her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
