I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
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