How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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