If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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