Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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