giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
