We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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