We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
