I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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