i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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