you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
