so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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