..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
