I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
