Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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