Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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