guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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