three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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