I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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