It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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