If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize