you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
