Barsexuality is the new black.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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