dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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