I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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