it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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