I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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