There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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