when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
