u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
