i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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