Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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