he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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