I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
