You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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