Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize