I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
