Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
