i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
