I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
